Wednesday, December 29, 2010
End of the year
It's been a while since I posted. I've tried to move on in many ways. Accept my life as it is. But sometimes, like the holidays, it's more difficult to put on the happy face. Especially when I personally know 6 women who are pregnant. 6! I'm happy for each and every one of them but it just makes me sad for myself.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Stress
I am crazy...that's the only explanation. I was supposed to be done being a teacher after last year. I had a new plan, albeit a sketchy one. But I wasn't going to do this to myself. Instead my plans fell apart and I'm back in a classroom. Never left to be honest. But now I think I may really lose my mind. Taking over a class that has been through as much as mine has is beyond challenging. It's overwhelming and I'm feeling stressed to my limit. I found out Tuesday I'd be starting Wednesday and worked my butt off to plan and prepare since I was left with no plans, no information, and no time. Worked on pure adrenaline until Friday morning when I crashed and just broke down. There is so much to do, so many hurdles to overcome, so much to set up and establish. I want to cry just thinking about it. I'm not sure I'm good enough to do this. To be what these kids need. I'm scared and I'm frustrated and I'm overwhelmed.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Moving on?
It's a difficult decision to stop infertility treatment and move on. We've tried to make that decision before and changed our minds back and forth again and again. Recently we've started that conversation once more. Are we just not meant to have biological kids? Should we adopt instead? Should we decide to stay childless? What will make us happiest in the long run? Difficult questions with no definitive answers. We've been married for almost 12 years now...together for over 16 years. We have a great marriage and are best friends. Do we need kids to complete our life together? Are we really any less of a family? We like our life...our fun trips...the cool toys...freedom. Maybe those things are the trade-off we get. And maybe that's not so bad. Maybe it's time to move on...
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Infertility
I saw this online and think it says so much so well...
I want to share my feelings about infertility with you, because I want you to understand my struggle. I know that understanding infertility is difficult; there are times when it seems even I don’t understand. This struggle has provoked intense and unfamiliar feelings in me and I fear my reactions to these feelings might be misunderstood. I hope my ability to cope and your ability to understand will improve as I share my feelings with you. I want you to understand.
You may describe me as this way: obsessed, moody, helpless, depressed, envious, too serious, obnoxious, aggressive, antagonistic, and cynical. These aren’t very admirable traits; no wonder your understanding of my infertility is difficult. I prefer to describe me this way: confused, rushed, and impatient, afraid, isolated and alone, guilty and ashamed, angry, sad and hopeless, and unsettled.
My infertility makes me feel confused. I always assumed I was fertile. I’ve spent years trying to avoiding pregnancy and now it seems ironic that I can’t conceive. I hope this will be a brief difficulty with a simple solution such as poor timing. I feel confused about whether I want to be pregnant or whether I want to be a parent. Surely if I try hard, try longer, try better and smarter, I will have a baby.
My infertility makes me feel rushed and impatient. I learned of my infertility only after I’d been trying to become pregnant for some time. My life-plan suddenly is behind schedule. I waited to become a parent and now I must wait again. I wait for medical appointments, wait for tests, wait for treatments, wait for other treatments, wait for my period not to come, wait for my partner not to be out of town and wait for pregnancy. At best, I have only twelve opportunities each year. How old will I be when I finish having my family?
My infertility makes me feel afraid. Infertility is full of unknowns, and I’m frightened because I need some definite answers. How long will this last? What if I’m never pregnant? What humiliation must I endure? What pain must I suffer? Why do drugs I take to help me, make me feel worse? Why can’t my body do the things that my mind wants it to do? Why do I hurt so much? I’m afraid of my feelings, afraid of my undependable body and afraid of my future.
My infertility makes me feel isolated and alone. Reminders of babies are everywhere. I must be the only one enduring this invisible curse. I stay away from others, because everything make me hurt. No one knows how horrible my pain is. Even though I’m usually a clear thinker, I find myself being lured by superstitions and promises. I think I’m losing perspective. I feel so alone and I wonder if I’ll survive this.
My infertility makes me feel guilty and ashamed. Frequently I forget that infertility is a medical problem and should be treated as one. Infertility destroys my self esteem and I feel like a failure. Why am I being punished? What did I do to deserve this? Am I not worthy of a baby? Am I not a good sexual partner? Will my partner want to remain with me? Is this the end of my family lineage? Will my family be ashamed of me? It is easy to lose self confidence and feel ashamed.
My infertility makes me feel angry. Everything makes me angry, and I know much of my anger is misdirected. I’m angry at my body because it has betrayed me even though I have always taken care of it. I’m angry at my partner because we can’t seem to feel the same about infertility at the same time. I want and need an advocate to help me.
I’m angry at my expenses; infertility treatment is extremely expensive. My financial resources may determine my family size. My insurance company isn’t cooperative, and I must make so many sacrifices to pay the medical bills. I can’t go to a specialist, because it means more travel time, more missed work, and greater expenses. Finally, I’m angry at everyone else. Everyone has opinions about my inability to become a parent. Everyone has easy solutions. Everyone seems to know too little and say too much.
My infertility makes me feel sad and hopeless. Infertility feels like I’ve lost my future, and no one knows of my sadness. I feel hopeless; infertility robs me of my energy. I’ve never cried so much nor so easily. I’m sad that my infertility places my marriage under so much strain. I’m sad that my infertility requires me to be so self centered. I’m sad that I’ve ignored any friendships because this struggle hurts so much and demands so much of my energy. Friends with children prefer the company of other families with children. I’m surrounded by babies, pregnant women, playgrounds, baby showers, birth stories, kid’s movies, birthday parties and much more. I feel so sad and hopeless.
My infertility makes me feel unsettled. My life is on hold. Making decisions about my immediate and long-term future seems impossible. I can’t decide about education, career, purchasing a home, pursing a hobby, getting a pet, vacations, business trips and houseguests. The more I struggle with my infertility, the less control I have. This struggle has no timeline; the treatments have no guarantees. The only sure things are that I need to be near my partner at fertile times and near my doctor at treatment times. Should I pursue adoption? Should I take expensive drugs? Should I pursuer more specialized and costly medical intervention? It feels unsettling to have no clear, easy answers or guarantees.
Occasionally I feel my panic subside. I’m learning some helpful ways to cope; I’m now convinced I’m not crazy, and I believe I’ll survive. I ‘m learning to listen to my body and be assertive, not aggressive, about my needs. I’m realizing that good medical care and good emotional care are not necessarily found in the same place. I’m trying to be more than an infertile person gaining enthusiasm, joyfulness, and zest for life
I want to share my feelings about infertility with you, because I want you to understand my struggle. I know that understanding infertility is difficult; there are times when it seems even I don’t understand. This struggle has provoked intense and unfamiliar feelings in me and I fear my reactions to these feelings might be misunderstood. I hope my ability to cope and your ability to understand will improve as I share my feelings with you. I want you to understand.
You may describe me as this way: obsessed, moody, helpless, depressed, envious, too serious, obnoxious, aggressive, antagonistic, and cynical. These aren’t very admirable traits; no wonder your understanding of my infertility is difficult. I prefer to describe me this way: confused, rushed, and impatient, afraid, isolated and alone, guilty and ashamed, angry, sad and hopeless, and unsettled.
My infertility makes me feel confused. I always assumed I was fertile. I’ve spent years trying to avoiding pregnancy and now it seems ironic that I can’t conceive. I hope this will be a brief difficulty with a simple solution such as poor timing. I feel confused about whether I want to be pregnant or whether I want to be a parent. Surely if I try hard, try longer, try better and smarter, I will have a baby.
My infertility makes me feel rushed and impatient. I learned of my infertility only after I’d been trying to become pregnant for some time. My life-plan suddenly is behind schedule. I waited to become a parent and now I must wait again. I wait for medical appointments, wait for tests, wait for treatments, wait for other treatments, wait for my period not to come, wait for my partner not to be out of town and wait for pregnancy. At best, I have only twelve opportunities each year. How old will I be when I finish having my family?
My infertility makes me feel afraid. Infertility is full of unknowns, and I’m frightened because I need some definite answers. How long will this last? What if I’m never pregnant? What humiliation must I endure? What pain must I suffer? Why do drugs I take to help me, make me feel worse? Why can’t my body do the things that my mind wants it to do? Why do I hurt so much? I’m afraid of my feelings, afraid of my undependable body and afraid of my future.
My infertility makes me feel isolated and alone. Reminders of babies are everywhere. I must be the only one enduring this invisible curse. I stay away from others, because everything make me hurt. No one knows how horrible my pain is. Even though I’m usually a clear thinker, I find myself being lured by superstitions and promises. I think I’m losing perspective. I feel so alone and I wonder if I’ll survive this.
My infertility makes me feel guilty and ashamed. Frequently I forget that infertility is a medical problem and should be treated as one. Infertility destroys my self esteem and I feel like a failure. Why am I being punished? What did I do to deserve this? Am I not worthy of a baby? Am I not a good sexual partner? Will my partner want to remain with me? Is this the end of my family lineage? Will my family be ashamed of me? It is easy to lose self confidence and feel ashamed.
My infertility makes me feel angry. Everything makes me angry, and I know much of my anger is misdirected. I’m angry at my body because it has betrayed me even though I have always taken care of it. I’m angry at my partner because we can’t seem to feel the same about infertility at the same time. I want and need an advocate to help me.
I’m angry at my expenses; infertility treatment is extremely expensive. My financial resources may determine my family size. My insurance company isn’t cooperative, and I must make so many sacrifices to pay the medical bills. I can’t go to a specialist, because it means more travel time, more missed work, and greater expenses. Finally, I’m angry at everyone else. Everyone has opinions about my inability to become a parent. Everyone has easy solutions. Everyone seems to know too little and say too much.
My infertility makes me feel sad and hopeless. Infertility feels like I’ve lost my future, and no one knows of my sadness. I feel hopeless; infertility robs me of my energy. I’ve never cried so much nor so easily. I’m sad that my infertility places my marriage under so much strain. I’m sad that my infertility requires me to be so self centered. I’m sad that I’ve ignored any friendships because this struggle hurts so much and demands so much of my energy. Friends with children prefer the company of other families with children. I’m surrounded by babies, pregnant women, playgrounds, baby showers, birth stories, kid’s movies, birthday parties and much more. I feel so sad and hopeless.
My infertility makes me feel unsettled. My life is on hold. Making decisions about my immediate and long-term future seems impossible. I can’t decide about education, career, purchasing a home, pursing a hobby, getting a pet, vacations, business trips and houseguests. The more I struggle with my infertility, the less control I have. This struggle has no timeline; the treatments have no guarantees. The only sure things are that I need to be near my partner at fertile times and near my doctor at treatment times. Should I pursue adoption? Should I take expensive drugs? Should I pursuer more specialized and costly medical intervention? It feels unsettling to have no clear, easy answers or guarantees.
Occasionally I feel my panic subside. I’m learning some helpful ways to cope; I’m now convinced I’m not crazy, and I believe I’ll survive. I ‘m learning to listen to my body and be assertive, not aggressive, about my needs. I’m realizing that good medical care and good emotional care are not necessarily found in the same place. I’m trying to be more than an infertile person gaining enthusiasm, joyfulness, and zest for life
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Hope
Yesterday we went to the open house for a different fertility clinic. What a different feeling and atmosphere! How I wish we had known about this place 10 months ago. For the first time in a while I am hopeful again. We only spoke with the doctor for a few minutes individually but we spent about 2 hours watching the presentation, touring the facility and getting a feel for the place. I really think this place is the one that will help us achieve our family. This feeling of hope is so wonderful and I've greatly missed it!
Friday, June 25, 2010
A Fresh Start
So, yesterday was a little nuts. We waited in line for 6 hours to get the new iPhone 4! Crazy? Yes. Worth it? Absolutely!!!
For one, between my husband's gift card and the money we sold our old phones for, we only had to pay about $70 for both new phones....definitely a deal. It's also got cool new features and an absolutely beautiful display I'm amazed by.
Most importantly though...it's starting to represent something wonderful to me...a fresh start. Literally, the fresh start is because I messed up. I wiped my old phone before I restored the backup to the new phone. Then I hooked up the old phone to iTunes to make sure it worked. Sounds innocent enough. Unfortunately, that created a new backup...of a completely wiped phone. No contacts, no text messages, no internet bookmarks, no saved app data. I felt sick to my stomach as I frantically tried to fix it.
Then, it was really odd but all of a sudden it didn't bother me so much. I can get people's numbers again...and if I can't, maybe that person isn't someone I need to contact anyway. No text history? If it's really important I'll find out again. If I can't remember the address of a website...it was probably a site I just wasted time on and I don't need to do that. My apps that reset...it's a little freeing knowing I don't have to check my mafia or farm settings every four hours so I don't miss anything.
Interestingly enough...10 months of tracked fertility data is gone. Notes about CM, OPK, IUI...all reset. It almost seems fitting somehow...a fresh start. Tomorrow we go to the new clinic's open house and I will go in with no written history...maybe that's a good thing. If I can have an electronic fresh start...maybe I can have an emotional one too. :-)
For one, between my husband's gift card and the money we sold our old phones for, we only had to pay about $70 for both new phones....definitely a deal. It's also got cool new features and an absolutely beautiful display I'm amazed by.
Most importantly though...it's starting to represent something wonderful to me...a fresh start. Literally, the fresh start is because I messed up. I wiped my old phone before I restored the backup to the new phone. Then I hooked up the old phone to iTunes to make sure it worked. Sounds innocent enough. Unfortunately, that created a new backup...of a completely wiped phone. No contacts, no text messages, no internet bookmarks, no saved app data. I felt sick to my stomach as I frantically tried to fix it.
Then, it was really odd but all of a sudden it didn't bother me so much. I can get people's numbers again...and if I can't, maybe that person isn't someone I need to contact anyway. No text history? If it's really important I'll find out again. If I can't remember the address of a website...it was probably a site I just wasted time on and I don't need to do that. My apps that reset...it's a little freeing knowing I don't have to check my mafia or farm settings every four hours so I don't miss anything.
Interestingly enough...10 months of tracked fertility data is gone. Notes about CM, OPK, IUI...all reset. It almost seems fitting somehow...a fresh start. Tomorrow we go to the new clinic's open house and I will go in with no written history...maybe that's a good thing. If I can have an electronic fresh start...maybe I can have an emotional one too. :-)
Friday, June 18, 2010
Couples Retreat
So, we rented the movie Couples Retreat and watched it last night. It was upsetting to me...mainly because the main couple organized the whole retreat because they were going to get divorced after a struggle with infertility. Just...ouch. Wish I had known that's what it was about before I bothered renting it. We did finish the movie and it was ok...I just had a hard time enjoying any of it.
Worries
The last few days I have been working on finding a new job. I decided not to return to my teaching position next fall with the hope that I would go to work for a former boss of mine. Now that is up in the air and I don't know what is going to happen. What I do know is that it is a terrible time to be unemployed. There are so many people looking for work and I'm afraid of just how many applications there are for every open position. I've never had a problem getting a job before but I don't think I'm going to be that lucky this time.
Of course not having a job also means not having a paycheck. My husband's work has been keeping him pretty busy, which is good because he is an independent contractor. He bills hourly based on how much there is to do so the busier he is, the bigger his checks. I'm hoping he will stay busy enough that we don't have to dip into our savings too much while I'm not getting paid. If I don't get a job within a few months however...well, things will be really rocky.
Keeping that, and our recent frustrations with our fertility clinic, in mind, we've decided to hold off on any more fertility treatments. We are going to an open house for a different fertility center next weekend though...they are even giving away one IVF session to those in attendance so fingers crossed!!! I guess we'll just have to see where life takes us over the next few months.
Of course not having a job also means not having a paycheck. My husband's work has been keeping him pretty busy, which is good because he is an independent contractor. He bills hourly based on how much there is to do so the busier he is, the bigger his checks. I'm hoping he will stay busy enough that we don't have to dip into our savings too much while I'm not getting paid. If I don't get a job within a few months however...well, things will be really rocky.
Keeping that, and our recent frustrations with our fertility clinic, in mind, we've decided to hold off on any more fertility treatments. We are going to an open house for a different fertility center next weekend though...they are even giving away one IVF session to those in attendance so fingers crossed!!! I guess we'll just have to see where life takes us over the next few months.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Decisions
I called the doctor yesterday to set up another fun round of Clomid to culminate in an IUI cycle this month. We had to skip last month because we were out of town and also because we were told that if we skipped a month in between Clomid cycles we could avoid having an expensive ultrasound. Turns out, that wasn't exactly true. Because I've had a cyst before they are now telling me I need to have the ultrasound anyway. For some reason, that was the last straw. I assume it is because my hormones are a mess and this has been going on way too long...but I just lost it. I feel so hopeless and depressed about this. We have been on this infertility journey for far too long already...5 years. The last 9 months I had some hope, some feeling that at the end of this everything would work out. I don't feel that way anymore. All I feel is older, poorer, and defeated.
They are only giving us a 5 - 10% chance that the IUI will even work. At almost $600 a pop now with the ultrasound, that seems like a waste of money, a waste of raging hormones from the meds, a waste of hope. If we want a 50% shot at having a baby we will need to fork over $13,000 or so EACH time we try. No guarantees, no refunds. And for all those "just adopt" people...it costs over $20,000 for a private adoption of a healthy, US baby....about half that if we go out of the country but then you add travel expenses for at least two trips there. Plus, all the adoption horror stories. Yeah we could try adoption from state foster care, which is minimal cost but it's a gamble I don't think I'm strong enough to take.
So where are we? It's time to make some decisions I guess. Am I willing to bankrupt us for the chance to be a mother? Can I be happy without a child in my life? I wish there were easy answers out there. I'm tired of crying, tired of hoping, tired of pretending my heart doesn't break every month.
They are only giving us a 5 - 10% chance that the IUI will even work. At almost $600 a pop now with the ultrasound, that seems like a waste of money, a waste of raging hormones from the meds, a waste of hope. If we want a 50% shot at having a baby we will need to fork over $13,000 or so EACH time we try. No guarantees, no refunds. And for all those "just adopt" people...it costs over $20,000 for a private adoption of a healthy, US baby....about half that if we go out of the country but then you add travel expenses for at least two trips there. Plus, all the adoption horror stories. Yeah we could try adoption from state foster care, which is minimal cost but it's a gamble I don't think I'm strong enough to take.
So where are we? It's time to make some decisions I guess. Am I willing to bankrupt us for the chance to be a mother? Can I be happy without a child in my life? I wish there were easy answers out there. I'm tired of crying, tired of hoping, tired of pretending my heart doesn't break every month.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Internet Therapy
I'm sitting here, feeling sorry for myself. It's the day before Valentine's Day...my husband's out of town...I've spent the day watching sad chick flicks and browsing baby stuff online instead of doing any work. In short, it's that time again. One more month with no pink line and it looks like 2010 will end before I get to be a mom. I'm not sure why I can't cope with this...I suppose it's hormones and depression and I should expect it. It still doesn't make it any easier though. I'm sure my family and friends are tired of hearing me feel sorry for myself so I've decided to vent online. I don't expect that anyone will ever read this, but that's ok. In fact, it's probably for the best. I just need an outlet.
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